Le Journal de +Louise

Within these mirror plastered walls, under these unforgiving and glaring fluorescent lights, I have waged countless battles against the person that is staring right back at me.

Mirrors, they’re funny things.

Only up till recently, I have started to accept and even to come to love each curve, each dimple, every bit of unsightly bulge, each wrinkle, each trembling muscle and each droplet of sweat.

This is what I love most about this type of yoga, no pretense, no makeup, no coverups. All 5 foot 4 of me, clothed in lycra and cotton, watching myself stretch, bend and contort. Grimacing during the last few seconds of a pose; breaking a subtle smile after a strong bow; collapsing into a sweaty pile during the floor series. Sometimes full of poise and confidence, but most of the time in a heap of heaving messiness.

I remember telling Leo over dinner last night about how I think I might have finally reached a milestone in my practice. How I could hold Standing Head to Knee pose for a full minute without buckling (not kicking out, yet). How I could reach out and stretch so far during Standing Bow Pose that the mirrors are mere millimeters away from the tips of my fingers. How tall and proud I stood when the teacher called out my name and gave a nod my way for my tremendous concentration. I went to bed excited about tomorrow’s practice.

This morning’s class threw everything into complete shambles. I could barely hold a pose for any longer than 10 seconds every time. My knees quivered incessantly and I toppled sideways numerous times, even causing the poor yogi next to me to lose focus and hop out of a few poses. And just like that, the mirrors killed the ego within. This morning I did not like the yogi in the mirror, I wanted to yell at her and say “I thought you have broken those barriers, I thought you were strong!!”.

As I lied down in savasana, drenched in my own frustration, the teacher said “Let it all go. It does not matter how well or how badly you did. Tomorrow is a new day”.

Yes, let it all go. Nothing matters.

I might have slowly and finally made peace with the mirrors and my self image. Mirrors and egos, however, they still have a long and painful way to go.