Le Journal de +Louise

One of the many perks of being married to a domesticated god :)

It’s a fearful thing to love what death can touch.

~ Anonymous

On a mild, balmy day in April of ’04, we answered an ad in the Trading Post and found ourselves in the backyard of a breeder’s house in Hampton.

And there it was, a litter of adorable furry littles in their grassy playpen. As we stood there uhm-ing and ahh-ing from a distance, an inquisitive baby bunny with the biggest, beautiful doe eyes came hopping towards us. She had a dark brown coat of shiny fur and a soft white marshmallow coat on her belly and a pom-pom tail.

She was beautiful, and we were in love.

Ecstatically, we took her home.

She was so little then that she could even fit into the palm of my hand.

I wanted to named her Snuggles, but that name could not roll out of my tongue, so we named her Snuffles instead.

She was quite the roadrunner, zipping back and forth in our apartment, hiding under the couch and maneuvering tight corners. Other bunnies are content with boring ol’ carrots, my baby, taking after me, had the ultimate sweet tooth and preferred munching on grapes instead.

Snuffles was with us through it all, roadtrips, moving from one cramped apartment into another, house guests, vacations, birthdays and anniversaries. She watched television with us every evening after work, and will follow us around in the kitchen when we rustle up dinners.

She was not only a part of the household, she was a part of our lives. She was our baby.

Leo built her an apartment from our old IKEA tabletop and later on when she outgrew it, we bought her a castle and lugged it all the way back from KL. Late night runs to the supermarket for food and litter, monthly vet visits and daily pats.

Oh, how we loved her.

22.02.2004 – 14.06.2010

Snuffles left us in the winter of ’10, 14th June, at the ripe old bunny age of 6 years and 4 months. We were away during the time of her passing, the babysitter did not want to dampen our trip, so we were not aware of it until a day before we were due to be back home.

There were no kisses, no final goodbyes; only shattering of hearts.

Life, is scarily fleeting, isn’t it?

The house is quiet now, there will be no thumping of furry feet, no rustling of dry hay, and no nibbling of toes for attention; for she now lies peacefully in a beautiful rose garden, under a warm bed of scarlet autumn leaves, in the good company of her other furry little friends.

No more seizures, no more teeth filing and no more vet visits.

Diphilus once said, “Time is a physician that heals every grief”.
He never did mention how much time. I say you never really get over the grief, there’s only getting used to.

Rest well and hop on away, my little one.

Love and miss you till it hurts.

Now, always and forever.

Whirlwind months of April and May have finally come and (almost) gone. Finally, some breathing space and time for myself.

In these past weeks of my absence, in random order I have:

~ Played hostess to parents and good friends

~ Realised that no matter how hard I try, heck, some people can’t/won’t change!

~ Run my first marathon

~ Hung up my yoga mat

~ Graduated from mon classe française

~ Been experiencing a second bout of adolescence, heaps of bumpy zits but not a slight chest increment in sight :(

~ Baked my first cake

~ Nearly finalised wedding dinner arrangements, it’s almost there, I can smell it!

~ Popped my GHD cherry

~ Received the most incredible early birthday present!

Stories to follow…

The other day, a dear old friend asked me the most absurd question, “Are you happy?”

In which, oddly enough, I gave her an even more profound answer, “Yes, I think I am.”

Had she thrown me this question a few years, or even a few months ago, the answer might have been a very different one.

When I was young, the mere sight of dad’s car pulling up the driveway, birthday celebrations in class, fried chicken for lunch, marshmallows, the colour blue, the crisp paper smell of a new book…All made me squeal with joy. It was simple. I was happy.

But then, I started growing up. Suddenly, it was all about calorie counting, getting that dress, buying that bag, scoring the grades, strolling into a plushy job, landing that fat annual increment, chasing those dreams, cashing in those cheques, and working towards that corner office. It was exhausting. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle of it all, I gave up. High school, tertiary and early 20′s came and went in a swirling storm of angst, frustration and emptiness.

Thankfully, nowadays, happiness to me means something else.

Happiness is the feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest and subsequently splattering all over the pavement whenever I go for a jog.

Happiness is knowing that if I was ever to be awoken by the chills of a wintry night, a warm embrace is just mere inches away. Happiness is staying up late, talking and laughing into the night, and knowing that when tomorrow comes, we will still have just as much, if not even more, silly things to talk about.

Happiness is sitting in a stark classroom, learning new ways to twist and curl my tongue, in an attempt to master a foreign language. Happiness is being able to converse in whatever little French that I know whilst ordering breakfast in a quaint café in Paris.

Happiness is when the captain announces the descent of a flight, and vision of blinking lights of the city of destination below. Happiness is the lethal infection of the travel bug.

Happiness is the smell of freshly brewed coffee on the way to work.

Happiness is knowing that loved ones are just quick a phone call away, and even more so, a short 8 hour plane ride away.

Happiness is lying in a big heap of sweaty mess at the end of a yoga class, in complete awe of the mechanics of my body and more importantly, the determination of my mind.

Happiness is learning to accept and love the person staring right back at me in the mirror, bulges, rolls, dimples, wrinkles and all.

Happiness is a gentle peck on the forehead; the spiciness of ginger tea; the tanginess of dark chocolates; curling up in a tub infused with lavender and geranium oils; good food and wonderful camaraderie; autumn; Leo…..

My favourite teacher always prefaces the class by saying, “Set your intentions right now. This class is however you make it to be. It does not matter how well or how badly you did in your last class, this class is the one that matters. It can be the worst 90 minutes of your life, or it can change your life forever. It is your decision. Choose wisely.”

I hold this piece of advice close to my heart, throughout my entire practice, and out of the hot room. In the past few months, slowly, I have learnt to let go of some past shambles, after all, isn’t life full of choices and it is what you make it to be?

I have finally made up my mind. I chose Happiness.

After a night of blissful sleep, photography enthusiasts that we were, woke up at around 6am, hoping to photograph the Trevi Fountain before the entire world caught on.

The fountain was surprisingly very serene that early in the morning. The crazy mobs the night before had retreated back into their respective enclaves. Rome, once again was in its peaceful, somnolent state, exactly how I remembered her the first time I set foot on her soils.

This, was what I returned to:

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He knelt down with one knee on the cobblestones, and whipped out the most brilliant looking thing tucked snugly in a brown, unassuming box.

With his gaze firmly fixed against mine, he uttered,

“Babes, I love you. You are my soul mate. We have been through thick and thin, I want nothing but to spend the rest of my life with you. Since we are already in the Eternal City, will you… marry me?”

I must confess. Being one who has always been allergic to the idea of marriage, my knee jerked answer was less than your conventional, ecstatic, teary eyed bride-to-be response. In fact, it was downright brash, curt, and dare I say it, unromantic.

However.

On that very day, the 3rd day of November, I decided to take that leap of faith. After all, isn’t that what it’s all about? Taking chances, in life and in love?

And just like that, on the ancient grounds of the Eternal City, in front of the Trevi Fountain and under the calm, watchful eyes of the god of all oceans, we sealed our love, and I said, “Yes”.